I had nothing left to give. I was exhausted. Depleted. I could not go on any more. So I laid down on my bed and asked Jesus to wrap His arms around me. I was in a bad way. I was at the end of my rope.
I had been trying to stand on my own. Trying to prove that I was a big girl…that I could handle things…that I didn’t need God as much any more. I hated being so dependent on Him, and was sure He could not wait for the day I could stand on my own two feet again.
But, today, I could not pretend any more.
I was in desperate need of saving. I was in over my head. Up to my eyeballs. And the water was rushing in faster than I could keep up.
I laid there like a broken rag doll in Jesus’ arms and professed my pride and weariness…my sin and idolatry. I wept. I leaned my whole weight on Him. I told Him I did not deserve His grace. I had not done enough to merit His favor. I was a sinner in need of a Savior.
I was unable, incapable of getting out of this situation on my own. I was completely dependent on Him and terribly sorry for the mess I had made. I had been greedy. I had been foolish. I had hidden my fear, but it had consumed me anyway.
I asked the Lord for mercy. As He held me, I laid my debts at the foot of the Cross and told Him how sorry I was that He had to die for me. I pictured Jesus on the cross.
For the first time in my life, I realized His body on the cross was empty. His Spirit had left His body a long time ago. As I looked on His torn body, I felt His presence come up beside me. He stood to my right in a radiant white robe. His face beamed with love. His eyes full of life.
He knelt down beside me and told me that my sin was not too much for Him. He knew it was too heavy for me. That was why He died – so I could lay it all down. I was not supposed to carry it. It was too much for me. The heaviness took my joy and my energy and filled me with fear, regret and shame. He wondered if I would continue to carry it or lay it down.
I had felt guilty but did not want to lay my sins at the cross. That felt dishonoring to all Jesus had done for me. I wanted instead to lay my crowns at the foot of the Cross and give Him glory. But I had no crowns. I felt guilty bringing my brokenness and shame. He deserved better. More.
He reminded me He was not on the Cross any longer. He was risen. He was very much alive.
My sins don’t kill Him now… He already died for my sins.
My sins don’t defeat Him… He already defeated the grave.
I don’t have to feel guilty.
I was to leave my sins there.
He already carried the burden.
That is why He said… “It is finished,” and breathed His last breath.
I did not have to needlessly carry the full weight of my sin.
“Lay it down,” He whispered.
“Lay it all down. Leave it there. I’m not on the cross any longer so it doesn’t hurt me to take your sins there. What hurts me is when I see you trying to carry them. Trust me. They are ALL paid for. Every single thought, decision, action, regret… ALL paid in full.
You don’t owe Me anything. I did it because I love you. Love keeps no record of wrongs. In fact, I was just interceding to the Father for You. I was hoping to see you here today. I was wondering when you would reach your breaking point. There is no breakthrough without brokenness.
Admitting you need forgiveness is what brings forgiveness.
Asking for help is what brings the help. Seeking my mercy is what brings you here to the Cross, and what brings me here to you.
You have been a stubborn one. Trying to carry it on your own but completely unable. You have pushed it as far as you could and now let’s leave it here. You need rest. You need refreshment. You need nourishment.”
I looked up into His eyes and He took me by the hand and lifted me up. There was no anger in His eyes, no resentment, no disappointment. He smiled and I could see that He was genuinely relieved I was not trying to pick my sin up, but instead trusting Him enough to leave them there.
My heart felt lighter. I had not realized how heavy the burden was until I laid it down. I felt like I could float…20 pounds lighter. I could breathe easier. My insides actually felt more spacious. My mind was not crammed with doubt, fear, anxiety, and remorse.
I instantly wished I had come sooner, but I was afraid. Afraid that He would be disappointed in me, afraid that He would humiliate me in front of others, afraid that He would crucify me. No. No more condemnation. No more guilt. No more shame. Only love.
He gently pulled my arm, and I knew it was time to leave. No need to stay at the cross. As I walked hand in hand into the future Jesus had for me, I knew I would never forget this day… the day that Jesus met me at the cross.
Kristi Smith Author
