To be honest, I have been more aware of my brokenness, my flaws, and my desperate never-ending need of saving than I have been in a long time. The weight of MY inabilities, insecurities, and self-imposed ‘pressure to perform’ are starting to really get me down. I have been feeling defeated and discouraged. Change is hard, but I am far enough into this journey that I feel like I should have it together more than I do. I have cried several times this week (and I am not a crier). I have felt so alone and overwhelmed; So weak and unable. I am not saying this for you all to feel sorry for me or to propel you to send me a bunch of “you can do this, you are strong” posts. I am just being honest.
Today, some light is breaking through or I am starting to see something in these clouds…
This awareness of my ugliness is somehow making Jesus more beautiful. His gentleness toward me is all the sweeter when compared to how demanding I have being toward Him. I am demanding, grouchy, completely ungrateful for what He has done for me (because He is not doing enough), pouty that He is taking so long, and miss bratty-mouth directly questioning His ability to do all the tricks I want Him to perform. I rant and rave and spit and spew and He just sits there right beside me and quietly listens. I throw all my anger and disappointment IN HIM up in HIS face and He just looks at me with clear, kind eyes. I proclaim how HE is not doing enough for ME and yet He refuses to make me feel deficient, delinquent, or behind.
Jesus accepts me right where I am and loves me in spite of myself. It’s His grace that makes me realize how out of line I am, and yet it is also what makes me melt into His goodness. My wild meanness makes me more thankful for His loving-kindness. He doesn’t “put me in my place” like He has every right to do. He “puts Himself in my place” and feels for me and cries with me. Jesus reminds me that He is with me, He will never leave me, and I am not as alone as I had thought.
I guess ME being honest with how I was feeling about HIM allowed me to hear HIM being honest with how He feels about ME. I was harsh and cold but He was not the least bit defensive or “after all the things I have done for you, this is how you treat me Little Missy.” Not a hint of “you better watch your attitude Lady.” Nothing but pure compassion. I was demanding and He was disarming. He was beauty and I the beast.